Critical Ass

It was only recently we started to really enjoy driving. Trying to take turns a little harder, maybe taking a longer way home if I enjoy a particular route. For example if we are in Mission Valley and we want to go home we should just take the 8 to the 163, or the 8 to the 15, but we almost always take the 8 to the 5 so we just stare at the downtown skyline and sneak a little peak at the ocean, it really is quite awe-inspiring. We feel free on the open road, sort of like when Andy is driving to Zihuatanejo at the end of The Shawshank Redemption. But we don’t drive a convertible.

We like to think we’re a careful motorist, its been years since we’ve been in an accident, gotten a ticket (save for a parking ticket here or there, thanks street sweeping dicks), or anything like that. We’re guilty of discriminating against drivers from out of state, and raised trucks but who cares? They’re not people.

When driving around North Park and South Park we’ve noticed an awful lot of bicycles around town. One could almost say its some sort of trend. Sometimes we even read stuff like this:

Trying not to get killed by an automobile in a country where the cultural mindset of the general population views automobiles as a symbol and vehicle for freedom.

What the hell? We know we come across as self-righteous in our writing for this website, but Jesus Christ dude, we’ve seen you on your bike and we’re amazed you haven’t nailed yourself to a cross. And that’s our point for today’s post - Critical Mass people are self-righteous pricks who take themselves entirely too seriously and they should probably be stopped.

Most of you already know what Critical Mass is but for those who don’t, every last Friday of the month a bunch kids who ride bikes get together at the fountain at Balboa Park at 7:30pm, and then ride around in big huddled mass, stopping traffic and trying to get their message of “bike riding is super fun, people should get out of the coffins (or car-finns! lol!) and all that nonsense.” It’s supposedly some sort of protest, we guess. We’ve been to lots of protests and most of it was holding signs and intermittent chanting.

We’ve seen a lot of CM kids riding around town and one of the thousands of questions we have for them is shouldn’t helmets be a requirement at this point for the rides? And maybe even a law? (Kids under 18 have to wear helmets while riding a bike. -Ed.) Motorcyclists have to wear them, people who ride Vespas and scooters have to wear them. We have to wear a safety belt. Safety first y’know? Come on bike kids, we all learned this shit in 2nd grade. It might not look cool and it might mess up your magnificent coif, but deal with it.

And why the hell does every one of these stupid bike kids have to wear this unfathomably large satchel on their bike where ever they are? I’m tried of running into those things at bars, trying to squeeze by to get somewhere else (like away from you, douchebag). Why are some you weaving in and out of traffic? We know we aren’t the only ones who feel this way, but we have the crap scared out of us every time we get near a kid on a bike because lord only knows what idiotic move they’re going to try and do. Will they make a surprising left turn out of nowhere, maybe weave too far over? You bike kids are just like our administration, pushing for a culture of fear.

We know part of the problem is a shocking lack of bike lanes in North Park and especially South Park. We drive down Fern in South Park a lot to get to places we should be at (read: bars) and if we see a bike and no car in the opposite lane we’ll drive half way into the other lane just to make sure we get by you safely. And we do this while holding our breath and praying to whatever that you don’t do something stupid.

So we have a couple suggestions as to how we can all come to some sort of peace. You guys can ride your bikes or whatever and we can drive around, with one less worry. Because lets face it, the dude in the 3300 pound machine is going to be deciding a lot more than you will, snappy dressed bike enthusiast.

1. Stay off the main drags. We passed 6 bikes going down Fern last night and it was really stressful and obnoxious. Some guy was weaving in and out of traffic, yelling at cars, and just being a jackass. No helmet, but he was wearing a Red Sox hat so that should tell you about his mentality. Why go down narrow, crowded Fern St., when you could simply just go down 30th. Its wider, has less traffic, and is just plain safer. Now, we know you self-righteous sanctimonious fucks are screaming at the computer “WHY DON’T YOU GO DOWN 30TH THIS IS OUR ROAD THESE ARE OUR STREETS VIVA LA REVOLUCION DE LOS BICICLETAS?” Well, its simple - all the other assholes who just moved to the neighborhood to gentrify everything wouldn’t even think to take it, because they don’t know about it. We know you guys are at least local to the neighborhood (or spend every waking moment convincing yourselves that living in North Park since 2002 to present makes you so much cooler than everyone else. -Ed).

2. We hate to sound like your father, but if you do want to be acknowledged on the road and treated as an equal, than act like one. Signal, check behind you for motorists; and for the love of Christ stop at stop signs and red lights. You have to, its the goddamn law. We love that move you guys do where you blow past the red light, make a car slam on their brakes, and then the critical masshole gives them a look like the driver did something wrong! Can you believe that one?! Ha.

3. And so help us God, if we ever see this shit happen again we will go out there and throw rocks at you fucking people - This was maybe a year ago, yeah right around this time last year. We’re big baseball fans and the Padres were playing a big game. We met up with some friends at Scolari’s Office to watch the game, and while we were outside having a smoke, we saw the CM riders going up University heading East towards City Heights. Traffic is stopped, horns are honking, CM kids are celebrating some sort of victory. Then blasting down 30th comes an ambulance. Fortunately there weren’t any cars in the 2nd Lane on 30th so it would have a clear path continuing down 30th. Sadly it did not as the CM kids did not yield to the ambulance. Some of them did try to get out of the way, some of them stopped, others just kept on riding, one fist in the air, celebrating their freedom and emancipation from cars.

4. If we weren’t in the know, y’know a cool guy 20-something liberal with his ear to the ground about different things, we’d have no clue what the hell all these jerks riding around on bikes are doing there. Do you think some 50-year-old working late on a Friday night is going to have the foggiest idea of what the hell you are doing there. There’s got to be a way to get your message across, we do think its one that is sort of worth saying.

Of course you guys aren’t going to listen this. Maybe you’ll at least talk about this the next time you guys have some sort of bike meeting at the bike kitchen and then ride bikes. BIKES BIKES BIKES BIKES

We found this in an old thread on TPB, posted by Spindler, no author cited but this is as close to mission statement as we feel like finding:

The main difference that CM makes, I believe, is in the time between
rides, when otherwise depoliticized cyclists start to take action; to
write letters to their representatives and city councillors; to argue
with their neighbors, families, and friends; to become increasingly aware
of the primary role that the private automobile plays in determining foreign
and domestic policy, in separating out rich from poor and black from white,
in causing more deaths, injuries, and illnesses than all of the leading
‘public health’ villains.

Progress that has been made–whether in civil rights, environmental protection,
economic justice, etc.,–has never occurred without a group that pushes
harder, that reframes the questions and recenters the debate, that occasionally
acts ‘as if’ what they wanted to be true were true. For me, this
is the role Critical Mass can play. I do not ride with Critical Mass (necessarily)
to make a good impression on people, to convince drivers of anything in
particular, to ‘advocate’. I ride because I find the mass creates a temporary
autonomous zone (to borrow a slogan); a place where bicycles do have the
right of way–and not just on paper; an ephermal non-imaginary safe, quiet,
clean, and fun use of the public good, the streets which we all pay for
and the air which we all breath; a place where the rules are designed
for bicycles, not cars. To quote Chris Carlsson, one of the early instigators
of San Francisco’s Critical Mass: “We conceived Critical Mass to be a
new kind of political space, not about PROTESTING, but about CELEBRATING
our vision of preferable alternatives, most obviously in this case bicycling
over car culture.

YES BECAUSE YOU ARE THE NEW CIVIL RIGHTS MOVEMENT HOW DARE YOU FUCKING PEOPLE EQUATE YOUR STUPID MOVEMENT TO SEGREGATION. DO YOU CALL WHITE PEOPLE WHO DON’T LIKE RIDING BIKES FOR FREEDOM UNCLE TOM’S?

We’d like to celebrate going home in an efficient amount of time and not having to worry about Critical Mass or some other stupid ride to prove how capable you are of fucking with traffic in the name of some cause you won’t believe in 10 years. Sadly, because of you guys, we have nothing we can do but sit there and take it.

Or do we? When we had the idea for this article we thought it would only work if we could figure out someway to slow their roll. And we did think of something.

So we propose this - if you are stopped by a full-blown Critical Mass ride, 400, 600, 1000 of those kids celebrating their freedom and emancipation from their car-ffins, put your car in park, turn the engine off, get out of the car, and just lie down in the middle of their path, right on the middle of the street.

There’s room enough for us both on the road, so y’know quit being dicks.